Just A Glitch
by someone-lost
Summary: What if the Lone Wanderer was a glutton? A slob? Lazy, unmotivated and just plain crazy? What if she just didn't give a damn?
1. Always Bring A Camera To A Gun Fight

Disclaimer: I don't own Fallout3. T.T

* * *

James walked into the Vault's nursery with a lift in his step and smile on his face. He walked passed his sleeping daughter, flicked on the lights and chuckled as his beautiful baby girl stared blindly at him with wide honey colored eyes.

"Don't look straight into the lights, sweetie. You'll hurt your eyes," he admonished a bit too late. "Come to daddy! Walk to daddy, sweetie!" he cooed while clapping his hands lightly. He had expected his little girl to jump ecstatically to her feet and waddle her way over to her loving father, but, sadly, that wasn't the case. "Emily, honey," he called uncertainly as she just sat there. "Come to daddy!" Emily, though, refused to budge. As a matter of fact, her eyes closed and she lay down once again to finish her interrupted nap.

Dumbstruck, James stayed in his crouched position for several seconds before standing up and marching over to his defiant child. "Now, I'll have none of that!" he exclaimed and gently prodded the sleeping girl until she squirmed. "Wake up and walk to daddy!" James commanded and strode back to his previous location in the open play pen. Father and daughter engaged in a starring contest for what seemed to be several minutes before Emily finally rose and stumbled toward her father.

"That's my girl!" he smiled, previous anger already forgotten. "Already walking like a pro!" James cried, then grimaced as his daughter face planted into the hard metal floor, but did nothing because if it hurt then she'd be crying, right? _Oh, dear, isn't THAT quite a bruise…_ "Anyway, I know you don't like it when daddy leaves you alone but I've got something more important to do than watch you right now so be a good little girl and stay here, okay?" Unsurprisingly, Emily just stared at him. "Okay. I'll be right back!" He made sure to 'forget' to lock the play pen and left the room.

Several minutes later he returned to see that his daughter hadn't moved an inch. James frowned and examined the SPECIAL book hidden beneath the toys pushed in one corner of the room. He flipped through a couple of pages and then shut it after seeing that nothing had been changed. He tossed the book onto the floor then unlatched the door to the pen. With that done he scurried back outside and peeked through the observation window. Nothing happened_. Maybe she just needs some more time_, he thought and wandered away to make what passed for coffee in Vault 101. After two cups he went back, but nothing had changed.

"Emily. Emily, honey, wake up." The little girl stirred and sat up with a yawn_. Oh, you again_, her facial expression seemed to say_. Won't you ever leave me alone_? "Honey, come take a look at this book! See, its really colorful and, oh, look! Its got pictures!" _Then why don't you read it? _Seeing that his daughter refused to listen he knelt down beside her and opened the book up to the first page. "Take a look, see? I'll read it to you if you want," James said. "S is for-" Emily shoved a fist into her father's mouth. _Finally... _"Sweetie, don't do that. You need to read this book, trust me, it'll come in handy later on." Emily frowned and grabbed at the first page. "Yes! Good girl! Good-" James' eyes almost popped out of his head as Emily tore the page in half and proceeded to chew on the book's corner.

"Ah, maybe you're not ready yet." He admitted and pulled the book free from her jaw. "I guess you don't have to read it," her father muttered and hoisted the little girl into his arms. "You can just go play with Amata then." As he carried his child from the nursery, James wondered if things would improve when she grew older. _I certainly hope so... _

_Nine Years Later..._

James whistled as he walked, a spring in his step and sparkle in his blue eyes. It was his daughter's tenth birthday and also the anniversary of his wife's death which left him feeling a bit out of sorts. James had decided long ago that he wouldn't regret the loss of his wife but embrace the fact that he had a wonderful daughter in exchange. Sure he hadn't had sex in a little over a decade and some of the residents were whispering about him and his assistant, Jonas Palmer, but what did those old bags know? He enjoyed the other man's company because of the stimulating conversation Jonas provided; _not_ because Jonas had an ass that practically begged to be touched beneath that hideous blue uniform or hands he imagined could work wonders with something quite a bit bigger than any test tube.

The smile on James' face morphed into a lecherous grin as he remembered how his young assistant had reached from behind to grab a clipboard and the glorious feel of his well toned body pressed against his own. He growled low in his throat as his imagination took it up a notch and almost walked right into Alphonse Almodovar, the Overseer for Vault 101.

"James," he greeted as he eyed the man's flushed face with a raised brow.

"Alphonse," James returned and worked to regain his usual cool. "Is everything in order?"

"Of course, Amata is anything but unreliable." _Unlike your daughter._ James' eye twitched at the implication but he resisted decking the older man simply because it would only enrage Alphonse and not kill him. _Can't have Christmas come too early now, _he relented. Deciding that nothing good would come out of conversing with Alphonse, James gave a tight lipped smile.

"Then I'll just grab the birthday girl and meet you in the cafeteria." When the Overseer nodded James left and continued to the room he shared with his daughter without further interruption or wild fantasies.

When he found his daughter sleeping peacefully in her bed he took a moment to wonder if she did anything else. He couldn't recall seeing Emily doing anything other than resting her head on whatever surface was available (desk, kitchen table, floor...) and falling into a deep slumber. During the rare occasions she was conscious it was because Amata had managed to rouse her and drag her away for several hours before Emily stumbled back and into bed again. It was a miracle she managed excellent grades in her lessons much less attended them.

James shook his head and reached out to wake his daughter.

"Darling, wake up. I've got a surprise for you." A lock of dark hair fell across her face as she turned away from his touch and snuggled further into her bed. James' eye twitched, something that happened more often as his child continued to grow but refused any involvement with her surroundings. _Not that I blame her. _Metal walls with artificial lighting and rations that tasted like dirt wasn't exactly something he looked forward to day after day after goddamn day but he learned to live with it._ She's safe. _And really, that's all that mattered to him. "Honey, it's time to wake up." he said with a bit more force.

When she didn't stir he indulged himself with an eye roll and grabbed the cup of water on the bedside table which he unceremoniously dumped on her face. _Effective, _he mused as Emily awoke with some sputtering, _and entertaining. _"Oh, good, you're awake. I've got a surprise for you. Follow me." The last was said unnecessarily because he grabbed her arm, yanked her from the bed and proceeded to the cafeteria, stopping only long enough for her to step clumsily into her boots before continuing at a brisk pace. "You're going to like this," James prattled. "It isn't every day you turn ten years old."

He thought he heard her mutter something about 'chores' and was grateful that they arrived at the cafeteria before he had to address it. _Let Alphonse dodge that bullet. _"Here we are," he said cheerfully and pushed Emily in the pitch black diner. She stumbled inside with hands outstretched and reaching blindly for something to latch onto. Suddenly the darkness was replaced by a bright, white light which caused the confused girl to wonder if she had gone blind.

"Stanley!" A voice chortled. "You turned the lights on too fast!"

"Blinded the poor kid." Another snickered. Familiar faces began to surface through the cloud of white and Emily realized with some amusement that they all looked like complete idiots with party hats perched on top of their heads. It was almost worth waking up for. _Almost._ Amata Almodovar rushed forward to deliver a bone crushing hug which left Emily gasping for air and retracting her earlier statement.

"Happy birthday!" Amata shouted as she released the other girl and grinned. "We really surprised you, didn't we? You're dad thought you might be on to us," she continued. "But you're so easy to fool!" Emily contemplated punching the Overseer's daughter but before she could come to a decision a warm hand landed on her shoulder and she once again faced her father.

A soft smile curved James' lips as he saw the child like curiosity light Emily's golden eyes. "Happy birthday, honey. I'm so proud of you. If only your mother-"

Sensing a long, heart felt speech coming up, the Overseer quickly stepped forward and interrupted the younger man. "Congratulations, young lady. I don't have to tell you how special this day is do I?" James frowned and crossed his arms with a small pout. He had spent an hour last night honing his speech and to have it completely disregarded was incredibly rude. He imagined shoving the Overseer's head up the ass of a Death Claw and smiled. His gaze wandered from his child to the object of his morbid thoughts. _Maybe if I stare hard enough his brain will erupt..._Sadly, all that happened was Alphonse attaching a Pip Boy 3000 to Emily's arm and not the horrific death he imagined. _Damn._

Alphonse forced his tone to be relatively cheerful even though he could feel James' steel blue eyes drilling a figurative hole in his head and Emily was practically drooling on his shoes with a glazed look in her eyes. _Honestly, when doesn't the child sleep? _Deciding not to press his luck and have her collapse at his feet, he quickly wrapped up his small speech and cracked a small joke. Chuckling, he left the child staring dumbly at her arm and wandered away to speak with old lady Palmer. _Bitch still owes me for that foot rub I gave her. _He shuddered at the memory. _Sometimes having absolute power sucks. _

_Finally, _James thought and again approached his daughter with a smile only to have Amata swoop in and steal the spotlight. As the younger Almadovar began speaking with Emily he frowned and headed dejectedly for the bar. _I'd give my left leg for a shot of whiskey... _

After a mostly one sided conversation with her best friend Emily visited each of her guests and received several gifts in return. A Grognak the Barbarian comic from Amata, a baseball hat from Stanley and freshly baked sweet roll from Mrs. Palmer. She had just taken a strong sniff of the cinnamon goodness when Butch pushed a finger into her still developing chest and demanded the roll or _else_. When she just stared blankly at him Butch rolled his eyes and snatched it from her open palm.

James, who had been sucking icing off of his finger from Andy's attempt at cutting the cake which ended up with cake going everywhere but the plates, watched the scene with amusement. If there was one thing his daughter didn't tolerate it was food being taken from her. So like any good parent he just sat back and watched his daughter tear the little brat into tiny pieces. _Atta girl, _he grinned as Emily tackled Butch to the ground.

Officer Herman Gomez leaped to his feet as soon as he heard the scuffle and whipped out his baton. The last time he had to break up a fight both people ended up in the emergency room and couldn't walk straight for a week! The smile on his face grew as he saw it was Butch and some other kid. Gomez dreamed about beating the snot out of that little bully and now it was finally becoming a reality! He fearlessly reached in, grabbed the two by their uniform collars and tore them apart. He noted Butch's busted lip and bruised cheek with a malicious grin. It was immediately replaced with a frown though as he saw the other fighter was none other than the birthday girl! _Is that a piece of bread in her mouth? _

He really didn't want to punish James' daughter because who else was going to write off all of those assaults as 'accidents'? Besides, he didn't like the suddenly cold look in James' eyes as he watched from afar. So deciding to be satisfied with the scratch marks on Butch's face in place of the beat down Gomez so desperately wanted to deliver, he simply tossed Butch aside (inadvertently causing a few more bumps and bruises to Butch as he landed rather ungracefully) and set Emily gently down. "I hope he didn't hurt you," he said. "Want to tell me what that was all about?"

Emily's eyes hardened as she pointed to the sweet roll still clenched firmly in her mouth and to the bloody boy talking heatedly with his friends. The officer sighed. How he longed to do actual police work like arresting criminals and hunting down murderers like the detective novels he had stashed beneath his bed. Instead he was stuck keeping the peace between two kids. _Sometimes I hate being a cop._ Still, he had a duty to protect the innocent and as far as he was concerned Butch was guilty of attempted grand theft (sweet rolls_ were _hard to come by), disturbing the peace and assault with intent to murder. Gomez puffed out a breath and muttered, "Why that little-! He's been causing trouble since the day he's been born. Don't worry, sweetheart, I'll take care of it." _Later. When he's all alone and ripe for the beating. _A gleam in his eyes, he left Emily and returned to his original seat.

Just when Emily thought she would finally be able to fall asleep her father called for her. Swallowing the last of her roll she approached him with a less than happy expression. _Now what does he want?_

"Is everything alright? Was Butch giving you a hard time again? Because if he is I think I still have some laxatives left from last time. We could-" James paused as a familiar voice chirped from the intercom and he smiled brightly as he left his daughter to sit on the floor while he answered it. When he returned he yanked Emily to her feet and started leading her to the door. "That was Jonas on the intercom. He and I have been cooking up a little surprise," he explained. "Why don't you head down to the Reactor Level? I'm sure your guests won't mind if you slip away for a few minutes." He pushed his daughter into the hall and towards the stairs but stopped dead as he saw Beatrice heading in their direction. The young woman gave James the creeps with her weird poetry and strange way of speaking. "I'll be right behind you."

By the time Emily turned around James was gone and Beatrice greeted her with a cheerful "Happy birthday, dearie!" Her brown hair fell in soft waves around a pretty face with drooping brown eyes and full lips. Emily shared her father's aversion to the fortune teller and the fact that said father left her to deal with Beatrice on her own was treason in her eyes. _Unforgivable. _Thankfully Beatrice didn't have much to say and left after giving the girl one of her famously depressing hand written poems. She waited for the traitor (as she now dubbed the man whose seed she sprang from) to show up once the brunette disappeared but he never did.

She decided to leave without him and after tucking the note away she headed down to the Reactor Level.

Jonas heard Emily's foot steps before he saw her and did his best to fix a stern expression on his face. "What are you doing here, young lady? Kids aren't allowed in the Reactor Level." He didn't expect her to simply turn around and start back up the stairs but she did and after recovering from the surprise he gripped her arm before she could take another step. "Woah. I was just joking. Look," he said as he led her back down. "You don't have to take that kind of gruff from grownups anymore." Emily yawned, seemingly ignoring the bespectacled assistant, and closed her eyes for a small nap.

Jonas sighed as the girl slid to the floor and curled into herself. Sometimes he wondered how such a brilliant mind like James had produced such a lazy child. Sure the black haired doctor was a bit... eccentric because of his boundary issues and what he claims is a lazy eye which is almost always glued to Jonas' ass. The only reason he stuck with being James' assistant was because he considered himself too delicate for trash burning duty_. _

A small puddle of drool had formed beneath Emily's head and Jonas was getting uncomfortably close to unraveling his mentor's sexual tendencies when James remembered what he was supposed to be doing and stomped down to the Reactor Level. "Jonas," he greeted. James didn't waste his breath on his daughter and just gave her a light kick instead. Emily woke with a start and glanced at her father with bleary eyes. Jonas watched as they stared at each other, blue against gold, until Emily released a low growl and got to her feet. The tense atmosphere dissipated as James smiled charmingly at his daughter and said, "Are you ready for your surprise?" Then, without waiting for a reply he plowed on. "The Overseer gave you your Pip Boy and as your old enough to do some work then you're old enough for this." He nodded to his assistant which prompted Jonas to grab the object he had hidden inside of the Reactor Room.

Emily's eyes lit up with wonder as James presented a well used BB gun. "It's a little old but it should work perfectly. When Jonas found it down here it was in pretty rough shape and it took us three good months to find the parts to get it operational again. You know how hard it is to find a spring that small?" He laughed and shared a conspiratorial grin with Jonas. "Good thing we stole Butch's switchblade! Hahaha! Little bastard is still looking for it!"

"Professor!"

"I mean- Never mind. So, how about you give it a try, hm?"

Chaos ensued. Metal pellets flew as fast as Emily could reload and hit anything that moved. Jonas lay in a twitching heap with a crack in one of this glasses and a river of blood flowing from a cut on the side of his head. James dove behind a crate but couldn't escape the ricochet of a stray pellet which embedded itself in his back. He could almost be proud her unfailing luck at hitting Jonas in the leg for the third time. _But the cackle... _He could've done without hearing her maniacal laughter. He was looking for an escape route without making himself known when his foot brushed against something hard. _Jonas' camera. _James hefted the camera up as a plan sprang to his mind and after a quick breath he emerged from his hiding spot.

A moment seemed like an eternity as Emily registered the movement, took aim.

_FLASH!_

_CRACK!_

James tackled his blinded daughter and pried the BB gun from her hands even as Emily fought tooth and nail to keep it. As the two skirmished a black and white picture floated to the floor of a young girl with a slightly crazed look in her blue eyes and a wide, toothy smile. And despite the wounds that still ached him, James would look back on that day with fondness.

_

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Author's Note: So, I've played Fallout: New Vegas and as much as I love the game I don't feel as strongly about it as I still do towards Fallout 3. As a result, I'm still running story ideas through my head (not all of them serious) and couldn't get this one to leave. It's a parody so I've had quite a bit of fun with this. I hope you enjoy! Also, don't forget to send me comments/reviews! :D  
_


	2. Just An Ordinary Day

For the past couple of years James had feared this day would come. Every time she came to him he wondered if what he had been dreading would finally happen and trust that it would be in the middle of one of his important experiments that it would occur. He thought it might've been the Overseer when the door to his office slid open and hurriedly tapped a few keys on his computer that emptied the entire screen.

When he saw that it wasn't him but his darling 13 year old daughter he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Where do babies come from?" she asked then watched as her father choked on air. His face turned white then an interesting shade of red that she had never seen before. Emily sat down as she waited for her father to stop sputtering. Amata had done the exact same thing when she'd asked but instead of answering Amata sent her to her dad and quietly whispered to report back when she found out.

So there she was swinging her jumpsuit clad legs as she wondered how hard it could possibly be to describe how babies are made.

"Ah, well," he started. "Heh. You'd think being a doctor would make this easier." he muttered. "Well, boys and girls are different, right? And, ah, they have different parts; down here," he pointed to his chest then his lower body. 'And here."

"Why?" His eye twitched.

"Well, because if they weren't then the human race would die off and we wouldn't exist."

"Why?"

"B-Because! Uh, well, girls and boys have different parts right?" Emily stared at him and not for the first time wondered if her father was an idiot. "Well, the different parts do different things and when two people are in love they- Jonas!" Jame's assistant stopped in his tracks just as he entered the office. He adjusted the glasses on his nose and shifted the clip board he held from one hand to the other as he noticed the red flush on the doctor's face.

He knew he might regret it but Jonas asked, "Yes, Professor?"

"Emily has something she wants to ask you. Go ahead honey." Emily shrugged and turned curious golden eyes to the dark skinned young man she had known for most of her life.

"Sure. What is it sport?"

"Where do babies come from?"

The clip board fell from his hands and a dead silence encompassed the room as the two men exchanged glances; Jonas' filled with disbelief that his mentor was actually going to make him do this and James' with dire warning should he fail. Sadly it wasn't the first time Jonas was made to do something unpleasant for James and he was sure that it wouldn't be the last. _But this is ridiculous_.

His own talk with his father had been extremely mortifying and happened when he least expected it. Over a bowl of Sugar Bombs he was told just where _it _went, why and what resulted from it. Jonas still had nightmares about it. So how could he explain sex without scarring the poor kid? _I know! _He held up a finger then turned heel and sprinted out of the office.

James leapt from his seat and bolted after him. "Jonas! Get back here and talk to my daughter about sex!"

Alphonse, who had been strolling along the Vault corridors, gaped as the two men flew by.

"No running in the halls!" he bellowed and gave chase.

* * *

Meanwhile, Mr. Edwin Brotch was busily grading papers with the radio playing, enjoying another ordinary day in Vault 101. His students were growing nicely and their papers showed it. _Well, _he thought, _most of them anyway. _Butch still had a long way to go as did Paul Hannon Jr. Christine had some potential he mused as he gave her a passing grade. Amata was doing great but that wasn't surprising considering who her father was… It was Emily that surprised him most of all.

She made decent grades which was astonishing because she was rarely conscious. He assumed that she did private studying; her father was a doctor after all. Edwin marked her a B grade and put her paper to the side with the others. He decided to take a break and was in the process of wondering exactly what he should do when the sound of running and shouts met his ears.

He lowered the radio and neared the door. It slid open but not by his command and he was bulldozed over by a sweating Jonas, irate James and hoarse voiced Overseer. Edwin lay in a twitching heap as the three men drowned out the music playing with all of their confusion.

"Where is Mr. Brotch?" He heard Jonas yell.

"Get back to the infirmary Jonas before I-"

"I cannot believe how you two are acting! If I had my citation book with me-!"

"Quiet!"

All three turned their heads towards Brotch as he heaved himself to his feet. A bruise marred his left cheek and his jumpsuit was covered in footprints. The dark skinned man shot daggers out of his brown eyes and the other men literally recoiled at the viciousness in them. Alphonse suddenly remembered why he had chosen Edwin Brotch as the Vault's teacher and it wasn't just for his impressive knowledge; the man could practically spit venom.

"Now," Brotch spoke calmly. "What's going on?" When they all jumped in at once, James reaching for his assistant's jumpsuit collar and Jonas sending pleading looks he gave them all the stink eye. "Jonas, explain."

Jonas pulled himself free from the doctor's grasp and said, "There's something that I need your help with. That is _we_ need your help."

"I hardly think we need to drag him into this," James frowned.

"He can relate to her better. We're a mess!"

"Just _what _did your daughter do this time, James?" Alphonse scowled. "Fall asleep in a mop bucket?"

"That was one time, Alphonse. One."

Brotch had had enough. "Hold it! Just what do you need my help with?" _Really, it's like working with children. _

Before James could clamp a hand over his mouth Jonas blurted, "Emily wants to know where babies come from."

Nobody moved. A smirk spread across the Overseer's face.

"Well, well, well. Seems the little tyke is growing up after all."

Mr. Brotch could literally feel the blood leaving his face. "No. Absolutely not. You're a doctor for Christ's sake. How hard is it to give your kid the sex talk?" `

"You don't understand," James replied wearily. "For the first time I've realized that she's growing up. All of the birthdays she's had are nothing compared to the changes she's going through. Babies are the first step. Next it's going to be boys and then she'll be grown up with a family of her own. She won't need her father then."

Alphonse's eyes slid to the floor as he wondered about his own daughter and Jonas choked back tears. Mr. Brotch just folded his arms. "Nice speech," he said dryly. "But I'm still not going to-"

"GRAB HIM!" As one, James and Jonas leapt forward and each took an arm. In the blink of an eye they left behind a bewildered Overseer as they took the teacher to the infirmary, Brotch's heels digging in the metal floor as they went. Once they made it to James' office they threw him onto the office floor and locked the door.

"Now, tell Emily-"

"Where is she?"

"Here!" James lifted a folded note from the examination table Emily had been sitting on and read it. When he was done he sighed, handed the note to Jonas and sat in his chair. Mr. Brotch hovered behind Jonas as he read the familiar hurried handwriting of his student.

_**NEVERMIND. **_

Both men groaned as James clattered away at his computer. A victorious smile on his lips.

* * *

On the other side of Vault 101, Emily stuffed another portion of processed eggs into her mouth with Amata sitting opposite her.

The brunette leaned her elbows on the table and excitedly asked, "So did you dad tell you were babies come from?"

Emily stopped chewing long enough to spit out, "No. Ask yours." Amata just nodded.


End file.
